YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The best walk of shames are on the highway
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
