i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
