the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
