i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
