dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
