she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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