saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I think i got beer on your cat.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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