I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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