Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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