I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
