dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
