Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
