Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
