Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
