Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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