Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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