I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
