I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
