May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
