it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh god it's open bar.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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