If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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