So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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