i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
