She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
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