I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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