While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
