Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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