I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
