FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
