Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize