Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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