I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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