I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
