So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Will exercising make me less horny?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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