Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
