if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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