He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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