wrigley field is MILF paradise
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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