omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
