Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
