The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize