I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
