You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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