and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
