I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
