I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just high enough for therapy.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
