If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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