Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
