i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
