Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
