I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
