I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
