I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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