Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
