We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
