My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
