apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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