don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
