Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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