I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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