Having a random hookup so left but love u
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize