I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
