I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I pour the whiskey from now on
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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